“[Trials and Temptations] Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.” (James 1:2-3)  Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society

This was today’s Verse of the Day in the widge I have in the column to the right.  Sometimes I like that passage, and sometimes I really, really do not.  But in the end…

Proverbs 3:5-6

 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart 
       and lean not on your own understanding;

 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, 
       and he will make your paths straight.

Devotional

Lauren Hale at Sharing the Journey has a couple of really great posts today that I wanted to bring your attention to.   Her blog is linked in my blogroll and for good reason – it’s a great blog that combines her transparency as a mom of three and her experiences with PPD with reports on PPD happenings and research.  

Today, Lauren shared her thoughts on two topics:  blog as support for PPD recovery and how people have misused, and sometimes quite insensitively, the term “postpartum depression.”

I have been learning a lot about the blog world as I write these two blogs (this one and my personal blog) and what an incredible community it is.  I was reading on one mom’s blog who delivered a baby – and that baby was immediately airlifted to another hospital.  The parents arrived to find blog readers ready and waiting to comfort them, help them, bring them food and gifts, etc.   People they had never met!  Can you imagine?  Technology never fails to amaze me.  The connections people make online can be uplifting and encouraging, especially through challenging and dark times.

Such as postpartum depression.

Writing and blogging about one’s experience with postpartum depression can be healing not only for the writer but for the suffering mom who connects to that blog and knows she is not alone.  Not everyone may feel they can share what they are going through on such a forum as a blog, and that is ok.   If that is you, just search and read.  Know you are not alone.  If you are the writer, share and also seek and read, knowing that you are not alone.

As a survivor, letting women know that I have been there and they will get through it, too, is healing for me.  It makes my journey worth it.  As a Christian, the fruit of a horrible experience ultimately brings glory to God.  That brings me joy.

In Lauren’s second post, she discussed the insensitivity of people to apply the term “postpartum depression” to situations that have nothing to do with postpartum depression.  They use it lightly, off the cuff, and with no regard or respect for those who have nearly lost their lives to it or to those who have lost their lives to it.  

And I 100% agree with her.  I even, admittedly, get bothered when people confuse “baby blues” with “postpartum depression” or think that they went through PPD when all they experienced was baby blues for a week or two.  There really is a BIG difference.  

Would you jokingly use the term “plane crash” when sitting next to a person who just survived one?

Would you flippantly say “kill the kid” when standing near a mom who just buried her child?

Would you tell someone you are experiencing “postpartum depression” because you miss the holiday season when their wife committed suicide six months ago because of PPD?

Take it seriously, folks.  Be compassionate no matter what terminology you are using.

Care for Others, Education & Research, Media

(continued from The Fear of Another and The Plan…)

Thanksgiving Day.  Somehow I knew.

My parents and my brother and his family were in town for a dual purpose – celebrate Thanksgiving and to be here to help out at the baby’s arrival which would be anytime.

My son was born at Week 39, Day 1, and I went into labor in the wee hours of the morning. 

Thanksgiving Day:  Week 39, Day 1.  Wee hours of the morning.

Contractions were fairly strong but very irregular around 4 or 5am.  I tried to sleep, but that is relatively impossible when your body has waves of pain every 5 to 10 minutes.  

But everything changed at 6:29am.  Oh yes, I remember the time.  Vividly.

And it was the wee hours of the morning.  Week 39.  Day 1.  Again.  What are the chances, really?  I laugh about it now.

At 6:29am, my contractions suddenly were precisely three minutes apart.  I kicked Chris out of bed and called my doctor who said without hesitating to head in to the hospital.  You think this girl was hesitating?  Please!

I had an epidural in my sights.  It was in my plan, people!

While Chris showered as fast as he ever has in his life and dressed, my brother timed my contractions and was kind enough to even take a picture.  Its horrid, but I cannot seem to bring myself to delete it.  Hmmmm, my daughter might want to see it one day…when she’s pregnant, or actually maybe AFTER she has a baby…don’t want to scare her.

I am so THANKful it was THANKsgiving Day.  No rush hour traffic to deal with.  We headed to the hospital, only 15 minutes away or so.  The loooooooongest fifteen minutes of life…and wouldn’t you know there were railroad tracks between there and here.  Uh, huh.  No fun.  

Chris dropped me at the door to the Family Birth Center because there was no way I was walking that far and I headed upstairs to triage.  They buzzed me in, and lo and behold, guess who was standing right there?

God is so good.

The very same nurse who cared for me when I had my son – both when I delivered him and when I was subsequently hospitalized for the depression.   She took one look at me and told the other lady, “She’s my patient – give mine to someone else.”  

Oh, thank you, Lord!  Someone who knows me!

My doctor had not warned them I was coming, but it was pretty clear that this was not false labor.  She checked me and I was already 6.5 cm.  Seriously?!  I’m thinking I wanted an epidural yesterday.  My plan, my plan!

Labor moved fast.  Nurses hooking me up, another asking me questions – did I want a tubal ligation?  What?!  You’re asking me NOW?  “Yes!  No!  Yes!  No!  Wait!  I don’t know!” I said between clenched teeth.  Somewhere in there, I’m told I even hit my husband.  

Before anyone even thinks I was unkind, the momentary pain I could cause by a hit I delivered in no way could ever equal the pain I felt at that moment.  He’s fine.  Did I mention I have a low pain threshold?  The anesthieologist walked in and I almost kissed her, I was so glad to see her.  I was given the epidural, but my plan didn’t seem to work…

My labor was moving too fast for it to work.

Um, God, not part of my plan, remember?

My doctor came in and I remember apologizing to him for bothering him on Thanksgiving Day.  Fortunately, I had him home by mid morning.  My daughter came quite quickly a little after 9am.  I felt every bit of it.  Whew.  

And I survived.  :)

Oh, what a different experience than when I had my son!  Physically, this birth was so much better, even without a working epidural.  I’ll spare you the details, but I was in considerable pain after having my son…this time, it was so different.  My body seemed to bounce back much more quickly.  Additionally, because it was Thanksgiving, there were not many people at the hospital and we got to stay in the big comfy room instead of being moved to a smaller room.  We had made the choice to bottlefeed from the beginning, and it did wonders for me to get sleep immediately.  I would not feel ashamed this time.

Admittedly, in the next two days, the anxiety crept up on me.  I felt strange, almost disembodied, in the middle of the night.  And very anxious.  I told my nurse, who knew me and what had happened before, and she immediately knew what to do and got the prescriptions necessary.  The day we went home, the nurse who discharged me was educating me on PPD symptoms.  I just smiled.  I was glad to hear them, because that means she tells others.  But I did stop her and told her I know…I know very well.

At home, I had my private space in my bedroom.  I used my relaxation baskets  - oh, I was so glad I had prepared those!  It saved so much work and quick trips to Target for my husband.  It was all right there, ready to go.  

And I slept.   My husband was adament that I get my sleep, he knew this was vital to my mental well-being.  He watched out for me.  Our bedroom was my sanctuary when I felt overwhelmed.  I loved that.

As the weeks went on, family came and went, came and went.  We used the frozen meals I had prepared in advance, or they cooked.  Again, I was so glad I had done that bit of preparation as well.   My son was entertained as he adjusted to our new family.  

Conclusion:  All glory to my God –  the prayers of many and the preparation we had done had worked for us.  I felt like our previous experience had been redeemed.  I treasured each precious moment with my daughter.  These were memories I did not have of my son, but I wanted them burned into my mind with her.  So I could “remember” both.  

Admittedly, there were some challenging times.  Being a stay-at-home mom of a toddler and a baby was not easy in the least.  Oh my word!  Balancing one then the other and prioritizing needs was a challenge.  I was also learning what “normal” was like.  I relied on my mommy-friends to help me know – was what I was feeling normal frustration?  was it extreme?  was this normal?  or that normal?  It was comforting to know I was on the right track.  

I stayed on my medication, attended MOPS, a women’s Bible study, walked when possible, and took it day by day.  

It felt good.  Thank you, Lord, thank you, thank you, thank you! 

Next:  From Then Until Today

Pregnancy/Baby After PPD

When we go through postpartum depression, the rest of the life does not slow down or stop the rest of its troubles until we are better, unfortunately.  It is easy to feel entirely overwhelmed and angry when bad things happen while we are trying to get through this one, long, enduring bad thing at the moment, right?  

I may not be going through postpartum depression any longer, but the feeling of being overwhelmed was very strong earlier this week.  Our beloved pet, Goldie, passed away right here with us.  Our hearts were utterly broken even though we knew it was her time – she was twelve years old, fairly elderly for her breed (Golden Retriever).  She was our baby before we had babies, when we could not even get pregnant, and an absolute angel when we did have babies.

A few hours after her death, my daughter woke up screaming and subsequently started puking for the reminder of the night and into the next day.   It was starting to feel like too much, but I have learned I have a choice on how I can handle it:  meltdown or place my trust in Him and derive all my strenth from Him.  I strove to choose the latter.  

An exhausting 18 hours after she first got sick, I received a message that a dear friend from graduate school had delivered a stillborn baby at 22 weeks.  Crushed.  I was sick of the illness and death all around me.  Why, why, why?

It’s a question asked from the beginning of time, and one I screamed at my God when I was overwhelmed in the midst of my postpartum depression and/or additional tragic or stressful events.  

But my God is faithful and unchanging.  I think my mentor said it best when she emailed this to me:

“Thank goodness we have faith…faith in a loving God who comforts us in the face of heartbreaking mysteries.”

When you feel completely overwhelmed by what you are going through as well as other stressful and/or tragic events  in life and you are ready to “throw in the towel”, make a choice to choose Him and keep going, one foot in front of the other, one breath at a time.  He is your Strong Tower.

 

Psalm 64:2-4:  2 From the ends of the earth I call to you, 
       I call as my heart grows faint; 
       lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

 3 For you have been my refuge, 
       a strong tower against the foe.

 4 I long to dwell in your tent forever 
       and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. 
       Selah

 

Devotional, Encouragement

Stomach bug and our beloved family pet’s passing last night has slowed me down a bit.  I’ll be back soon.  Stand strong on the Word of God – there is so much encouragement there for you!

Ministry News

I wrote here back in October about Wade Bowen’s song “Turn On the Lights”, written after his wife’s battle with postpartum depression. In November, a benefit concert to raise money for Postpartum Support International was held featuring Mr. Bowen. As he performed this song, a slideshow played in the background featuring photos of moms, dads, and their children who had been affected by postpartum depression.

There is a photo of us near the end of the slideshow. In it, we are walking on the beach swinging G in the air, and I am holding S. It is so neat to be included in such an event in this tiny way, during this fabulous song. Seeing the faces of so many moms who had gone through PPD, the dads who were there for them, and the children who are such joys to them now – it was really too much, brought tears to my eyes.

If you are hurting now, see the smiling faces of women who have survived. You will be there, too.

Enjoy…

Videos & Music

This song by Ginny Owens has always been a favorite of mine.  It is a reminder to me of humility and trust in my God, that He is always there, even in this valley.  Hang on to Him.  

Videos & Music

Busy!  That was me over the holiday break.  You?  From guests to events to Christmas to New Years to new toys to fun with the kids to this to that to this to that.  All of it fun, but slowing down now is a good thing, right?  

I have always looked forward to January 2.  It signals the start for s…l..o…w…i…n…g down and starting fresh.  Resolutions…um, no.  Why set myself up for failure?  I try to keep in mind things I’d like to do in the coming year, but I keep my expectations open.  If it does not happen, I am not going to let my perfectionist side have the opportunity to beat myself up!

When in the midst of difficult circumstances, however, I love to know that it is always a year of hope.   One of my favorite Scriptures is Jeremiah 29:11.  I really consider this Scripture to be a theme for my life, but while I was going through PPD, I clung to it.  

Start your year with hope and resolve to take a step each day to wellness, knowing you are not alone.  Others have tread this path and we will walk with you.  

Jeremiah 29:11 I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to proper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  [emphasis mine]

Encouragement

I apologize for the lack of posts – my daughter is cutting two of her two-year molars and apparently has my tolerance for pain, which is not much.  Poor girl.  Between that and Christmas preparations, I’ve not been around the computer as much as I would like to keep you ladies encouraged.  Today, I leave you with a beautiful Christmas lullaby, one sung from Joseph’s perspective.  I know its hard, but treasure the little things about your baby and/or child(ren) this Christmas.  The sweet smell of them, the softness of their skin, the feel of their hair…and hold them just a little longer and sing them to sleep.  You’ll treasure it, maybe not now, but you will.  I promise. This is Joseph’s Lullaby by MercyMe.

Videos & Music

Sleep and a recent research study have been posted in the PPD blog world lately, for good reason.  I see no need to repeat it here when its said really well already at Lauren Hale’s blog Sharing the Journey and Katherine Stone’s Postpartum Progress, among others I am sure.

My son is almost four years old which puts my initial PPD crisis at almost four years ago.  Sleep was one of the major triggers (or rather, the deprivation of), but what I cannot get over is that I still have to be very careful about my sleep.  Was I always built that way and motherhood magnified it?  I am not sure.  But I do know it is a challenge for me personally.

It is hard not to lose my patience.  It is frustrating when I just. want. them. to. sleep.  When one kid wakes up, the other inevitably wakes up.  (I am convinced they have a conspiracy going.)  My husband takes one kid and I, the other.  And then pray for sleep to settle over us all.

Last night is a good example of this.  I actually had a good evening and got the kitchen quite clean.  I was looking forward to a restful night and a good day with the kids not hampered by the pressure of looming chores over my head.  No sooner had my head hit the pillow than my daughter started chattering away in her room.  Wide awake.

Did I mention I am a light sleeper? 

Long story short, I was not back in bed until 3:30am and Chris was dealing with our son until around the same time.  And then they slept late.  A whopping 7:30am.  Seriously.

How in the world does one get through the day on little sleep when one is susceptible to sleep deprivation issues in the first place?  I thought I’d toss out some ideas and I’d love to hear some ideas from other women.  I need them, too!

• Squeeze in a nap when baby or children have naptimes.
• Lay on the floor and rest, eyes open, while baby or children are playing next to you.
• Do not feel the need to be supermom and get everything done you had planned on.  Take it easy and be flexible with your plans.
• Caffeine?  (This is not an option for me personally because it contributes to migraine issues I have.)
• Eat well…not just that day(s) of little sleep.  Lots of sugary foods can make your body crash.  Those ups and downs are not fun.
• Count to 10, 100, 1000 – whatever it takes – if you are losing your cool.  Take a deep breath before responding to children and/or fussy babies.
• Know its always ok to take a break by putting the children in their rooms or cribs for five minutes or so.  They will cry, but they are fine.  Take a few minutes to take a breath.
• I know this seems obvious, but go to bed early!  Its so easy for me to use that time to get stuff done but it can wait.  

Any others?

Self-care & Healing